donderdag 24 april 2014

with without coat

 this week i have walked around 'with without coat'!
i used to say that when i was a kid.
spring has officially arrived and for the first time hans and i
were able to have a picknick in the park again
hah, it always seems to be bad weather when we meet up
we imagened ourselves sitting under a dripping tree in pretty summer dresses,
 on a soaked blanket with a picknick-basket. 
which wouldn't be too unusual for us
with spring coming back, i'm coming back.
any soon i am going to have an intake at a clinic for chronical fatigue and pain.
or actually, a clinic for managing chronical fatigue and pain.
it's just a first conversation, just to see if it'd be something for me
but still, it feels weird going back into these things again
i thought i would be done with all this by now
but ah, is anyone ever done?

dinsdag 8 april 2014

a lovely saturday

 some pictures taken on a lovely saturday some time ago.
including one of my most charming pictures hahah, but ruud thought i should post it
because he thinks it essembles my 'muppet' side.
he always calls me a muppet, and ronja and melle the mini-muppets.
personally i just love the last picture from rein and his new girlfriend gwen, cuddeling with ronja.

this week melle ronja and i are staying at my parents.
i am just exhausted by myself, the changes in life and my lack of a room for myself
and i just need to take care for myself even when i don't feel like it.
so i'm taking some rest here this week.

there is so much more i would like to share with you all
to express myself about the things that really matter to me
but it'll have to wait, wait untill i have found the right words.

maandag 7 april 2014

pretty eyes

he had pretty eyes
she saw when he was dead
and his eyes lay staring
in the back of his head

maandag 31 maart 2014

foole


pictures taken by Myrthe Foole

oof. it's been a long time since i last posted
i have been doing much and nothing at the same time
i am trying to get used to being alone, without him.
and at the same time i am surrounded by people, and not alone at all.
but everyone has been alone in a crowded room once. and it'll pass.
i still live in the kitchen and sleep on the couch
and find comfort in the lack of comfort.
i have numbed myself and my feelings for the past two months in any way possible
and am now slowly starting to allow the feelings again.
it's messy, but i'm taking steps. 
the spring has arrived here in the netherlands
and today i walked around in just a t-shirt!
well, i had pants and such on too.
but still. sun helps.

maandag 17 maart 2014

dreaming nightmares

but at night she dreams of murder
of a castle in the sea
of a train that travels nowhere
and of eyes that can not see

unconditionally love

 ever since i started listening to the game of thrones audio books
i have become fond of red wine.
they drink wine all the time there. i try not to. it wouldn't be good.
it would give you more hazy posts like this one
as i usually write at night, when i'm alone.
that's when my mind gets up and out of bed. 
nostaglia nostalgia. everytime.
the first weeks after cees and i split up i couldn't listen to any music.
got myself over that now. new music. new memories.

ronja is laying next to me, on my throne of pillows in the kitchen
melle has become much more comfortable since i moved my rug into ruuds' house
as she doesn't like to walk on a slipperly floor, and prefers a rug or carpet
she runs around and makes a game of trying to get under the couch
i'm so gratefull for them both. 
if you don't have a pet friend you might not understand, or even find it sad
but the uncondentionally love they have, and always have
i find it one of the most beautifull things in life.

or maybe i'm just a little sentimental.

vrijdag 14 maart 2014

i came walking with the wind


so i have officially moved out of my appartment in Breda.
it was strang being there again, since i avoided it for almost two months.
though nothing changed, except the christmass tree that died.
i still had a christmass tree.
so this is a new start, a new chapter. 
and a whole empty book to fill.

the sun is shining gently lately
and it doesn't carry the cold, for as far we've had any cold this 'winter', anymore.
my legs are getting stronger everyday from the walks ronja and i take
and for the first time in 10 years i'm making progress in my condition
it's so easy to just welcome such a thing, and hardly mention them at all
but it's important to take note of such things, and be gratefull for them.
that's why i'm writing it down.
on the picture you can see my new room.
it's not near finished yet, but it has it's charm.
i've been watching 'True detective', and fell in love with the negativism of rust cohle
and the soundtracks they use in the series.
here are my favourites for you

zaterdag 8 maart 2014

instalately

 
some days ago i met up with iris
she's a special kind of friend, the one you may not see for a year
and when you meet again, you pick up right where you left.
i think i might have described this before already haha.
it was good to see her.
it's good to see people in general
 
he is exhausted by his mind
but no worries ruud
ronja will watch over you
 
for the first time in my life i am experiencing the 'nightlife' 
if that's the right word. i wouldn't know.
i drink my drinks giggling like the 14year old teenager i might have been
i used to not go to parties because i physically can't go as long as 'the rest' 
but now i'm good, when it's 2am and getting tired wiggly knees
i just go home. i don't miss out, because i've had all i needed.

i start every morning with a walk along the river with ronja
i throw her sticks, and we discover what the river has spit out on the riverside
last week we found a tiny christmass tree, and a very big fish. 
it was strangely beautiful to see him laying there. and sad.
he was so big, that i could hardly imagine him swimming the river once.
walking here reminds me of the sea. there's a lot of wind
and wind clears my mind.
but in the end i am this.
a pale, red eyed, sleepless, wandering pyama monster
i don't have my own room yet, and spend most of my time in the kitchen
as it's apart from the livingroom
and i'm not used to being around people so much anymore
so i build my own place in the kitchen, with blankets pillows and wine.
and like regina sang
'but don't get me wrong, dear, in general i think i'm doing quite fine'

taro

maandag 3 maart 2014

answers


What made it that you've decided to go and live with Ruud? (except for the fact you don't want to live in Breda anymore) because you could always go back to your parents house isn't is?
it's all been a little strange actually. i just found myself alone in Breda, which is pretty far away from my friends and family. and realised i didn't want that anymore.
a few months before that i started meeting ruud
he has a spare room, and offered me to live there; if i'd like to.
i could √°lways go back to my parents, but i need a place for myself.
i need the responsebility, it gives me motivation.

Do you ever plan on getting a job?
Is there anything specific in which you like to learn about?
i spend my teenage years in clinics, hospitals and therapy, it gave me little time
to think about who i am as a person in 'real' life, outside of the clinic-life.
it's been two years since my last clinic, and i find myself wondering and wandering.
i don't know what i like in life or what i would like to do as a job
i wish i was more passionate about something.
i do love peoples minds. about what's nurture and nature, how do we become what we are.

If you could be any two animals combined, what would you be? They can be mythical or real life animals.
i think a hippogriff would be lovely. a strong animal that's able to fly.

What's your favorite color? And do you read books? Are you sad you won't be able to make rooftop photo's anymore?
red. no i listen to books. im the lazy kind
and i am a little, but i'll find a pretty place to shoot photo's anywhere. i'm sure.

what is the relationship between you and Ruud? is he your boyfriend? (:
oh no, he's a friend i met through Rein, who's been my friend for over 7 years
ruud is more brother-like. he's a sweet guy, and he gives great hugs.

what do you think or what do you feel about http://itsnadiaesra.tumblr.com ?
it's strange, yet very flattering!

What small thing could you do to make someone’s day better?
smile at a stranger, support joggers, talk to old ladies, give a stranger a compliment
i believe all these small things make a big difference
maybe your compliment will last a lifetime in memories.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
don't grow up too fast.

If you could change one thing in this world, what would it be?
humans

Do you still talk to Cees, are you still friends?
that's something that doesn't only involve me, but cees as well
therefor i won't answer this question, i hope you understand

Do you enjoy reading, and if so, what are some of your favorite books? 
i used to read a lot of books, but whenever i'm reading a book, at the end of the page
i'm wondering what i've just read. i listen to books now. i'm listening to the Game of Thrones seriesin english. the last books i've read though were the millenium trilogy, i loved it.

Have you ever thought about pursuing higher education? I know you said you cannot work because of CFS, but perhaps studying could be beneficial for you - it would broaden your horizons, introduced you to new people, and make you feel confident!
i'm thinking about it more often lately. i'd want to study psychology. but first i need to finish highschool.

do you know any lovely stupid happy songs?
these were the first ones i could think of!

I'm planning a trip to Amsterdam with some friends, do you have any recommendations?
it's 9 streets, full of cozy lunch shops, vintage shops and lovely little boutiques

if you could suddenly learn to speak any language in the world, what would it be? 
french. it sounds like poetry, whatever you're saying.
and i think it's a beautifull language in general
i used to go on holidays to france almost every year, i loved it there.

what was your first word as a child? 
oh tricky, i'm not sure actually. i think it was probably 'mama'
as i was a mama's-child hah.

if you would have the chance to go to the moon, would you?
not even if someone payed me a thousand dollars.
i don't belong in space.

why do you like to show your ear so much in every picture?
i like my ear.

do you (or have you ever) hallucinate, because of your insomnia? 
i did once, when i hadn't slept in five days in a row.

Do you think your life (Or, you as a person) now is better than it was 1, 2, 3, etc years ago?
it's different. some things are better, some things are worse. 

Do you have youre driving license?
i don't, but i'm thinking of starting taking lessons this year.
and that's what i said last year.

And what do you find helps when you are not able to sleep or are having an off day?
when having an off day, it's best to force yourself to keep doing things.
even when you don't feel like it at all, actually, especially when you feel like doing nothing at all
meet people, have conversations and get out of your own head.
it's silly, because at the moment i can't follow up on my own advice at all.
but in general, that's what helps me.

Also do you have any suggestions that might help against anxiety?'
it's a terrible answer, i'll apologize in advance, but i believe the only thing that actually helps against anxiety, is doing the things that trigger your anxiety. 
i've tried a lot and in the end i just realise the only thing that's gonna help
is to 'just' do it.

When was the last time you laughed very, very hard?
the last time i saw hans. it was lovely.

have you ever been thinking about going to InterRail and go to explore europe?


and in this moment i've got questions

the night is silent
and my thoughts are loud
i can't think through this cloud

dinsdag 25 februari 2014

it goes bang bang in my head

 i'm still working on my answers for the Q&A post.
but i realise it was a silly thing to do at the moment
i don't know the answers to most of your questions.
still, i'll keep trying. might be good for me.

tomorrow i'm visiting my parents.
sometimes, when i walk ronja and wobbe through my old neighbourhood at my parents
i suddenly have flashbacks of how i used to see the places
the places i've walked thousands of times
i remember how things used to look
and still find myself tip-toe-ing, peeking over hedges
even though i've outgrown them a long time ago.
i remember the time where the circle in which our streets are build
used to be all i knew. all i had to know.
i was never an adventurous child. maybe inside my head i was.
now i find myself wandering streets i don't know the names of,
don't need to know the names of.
there's too many names, anyway.

zaterdag 22 februari 2014

sweaters and sweethearts


just a little post with some sweater-selfies and artworks
thanks so much to talented Khadjidja, Rainer, this girl and Karina!
i'm working on my Q&A post, so you'll see that any soon.
i've been playing Oblivion today. these boys make me become a nerd, too.